I have debated in my mind whether or not to write this blog post today but at the risk of being offensive, I just have to share the silly dialogue between David and me last week. Yes, I had the great joy of a colonoscopy and to be quite honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about. I can easily say that an epidural, delivering a baby through c-section (while your lungs completely get pressed up into your throat so you literally feel like you're drowning), and then recovering from a c-section is far more dramatic that a little colonoscopy. Yes, I had some suspicious activity which I will not indulge, just know that my results showed nothing and I'm a-okay. I wonder what was wrong with that suspicious week, but I did pray for healing and apparently God granted my request. But yet I marvel and wonder still at whatever caused the suspicious behavior (as does my doctor), and then I'm like, oh, duh, I
did
pray for healing and all. Good grief--so dense sometimes! And my apologies if you're mortified and offended, but seriously, you're going to laugh and groan and some of you will even be nodding your head in agreement.
So without further ado and since you are sitting in great anticipation, here is my Top Ten List of the things that they never told you would be perks of a colonoscopy. So for all of you who are eagerly approaching 50, hold on tight because there are more perks to this procedure than getting a pedicure or watching the Superbowl...well, maybe that's a stretch...drum roll please...
10. You get a really cool Austin Gastroenteroloy tote bag for your clothes--or as I am tempted to do, to cart my Southern Living At HOME catalogs to parties. That should really help me sell home decor.
9. You can relive your camp days by having a Halflytley Suicide Drink by using all four mix-ins for your prep-drink--pineapple, lime, grape, and cherry. If I didn't know better, I would've thought I was at Bahama Bucks in Lubbock, about to enjoy a slushie.
8. You can have the kids spend the night at Mima and Nana's the night before (since you're leaving so early in the morning) and have a quiet evening at home--we relished it. I was actually looking forward to it--didn't care I had to drink an awful drink!
7. You're actually told not to eat healthy. You have to eliminate fruits and veggies and all wheat--you get to load up on all the bad carbs! How FUN!
6. You're so weak the day before due to fasting that you have the perfect excuse not to work out! And you can drink all the full-sugar sodas you want!
5. If your designated driver is your hubby, you get to drive alone in the peace and quiet and pretend you're on a date. If you're with your best friend, what great girlfriend time!
4. The anethesia just makes you feel pleasantly sleepy afterwards...couldn't be more relaxed! Uh, can I get that stuff over the counter?
3. Since you virtually have no memory of anything and no 'evidence' of a procedure, you can imagine you're in your own own X-Files episode and finally you understand Scully's abduction!
2.You feel ten pounds lighter after fasting and can brag that your colon is cleaner than everyone else's, singing, 'my colon is cleaner than your colon, nanny nanny boo boo!"
1. You get to go on a massive food binge afterwards since you won't have eaten in 36 hours--pancakes at Kerbey Lane are FABULOUS for such an event--OH, and you're still on a date! Enjoy the meal alone!
