The Beautitudes in Practicality

As my disclaimer, let me make it clear that I haven't studied Hebrew or Greek. This is a collection of some things I've learned along the way or believe God has placed on my heart. My Hebrew scholar friends, you're more than welcome to send feedback. I want to reflect on some threads that God has been weaving into my heart this week through Matthew 5.

The beautitudes have always been a section I've sort of 'glazed over.' The word 'blessed' is a word that we can really get hung up on since our culture defines blessing typically only in physical, monetary ways. We are so entrenched in materialism that "the abudance of things: becomes interchangeable with "the abudance of blessings"...especially when there are rogue pastors out there preaching in media-hyped pulpits and from bookstore shelves about getting all you can out of life. Spare me the self-help books.

I would enjoy knowing the relationship between the Hebrew word for 'blessed' and the Greek word for 'blessed.' I know that in the Old Testament, it was linked to a similar word for 'kneel' and had the meaning of bringing a gift. In essence, the Aaronic blessing, "The LORD bless you and keep you," (Numbers 6) is a prayer that asks that God would bend his knee to you and grant you provision of gifts. It was not only seen as material gifts, but also God's mercy and forgiveness and steadfastness. It was a prayer of protection as well, that he would 'guard' and keep you. In the New Testament, 'bless' indicates a word regarding well-being, wholeness, contentment. It was quite a paradigm shift for Jewish converts who believed blessing was a material thing and gained through holiness and keeping the law to perfection. Instead, blessing was something bestowed on the lowly, the poor in spirit, the hungry, the forgotten.

So perhaps that is why I've always glazed over it. I've thought why in the world do I want to be poor? If I'm not mourning, am I not as blessed? I'm being called to be persecuted? Okay, enter the scene...an understanding of how this has played out this week. No, I've not been persecuted and I'm not mourning. But God has been speaking to me through Matthew 5 this week. Each morning I've been reading Matthew 5:1-12. Monday He taught me about mercy and last night, about meekness.

Monday morning, I was readying the kids to leave for my gym class. Afterwards, we were driving to Giddings to see Megan and play. They were excited. I was excited--I really needed some adult time--and some time with my sister. And my two kids were being...kids. I had left them for just a few minutes to get changed. In that few minutes, all their food ended up on the floor--plates had been passed back and forth on the table. Cheerios were in a soggy pile under Makenna's chair, with a waffle to top it off. Sausage had been through across the room and I still have been finding pieces today. I could hear Kyle even 'egging' Makenna on. It was just not a good scene for me to walk in on.

But I learned my lesson last week about not punishing myself in the midst of punishing them. I wanted to see my sister. I wanted an outing! I wasn't going to let them ruin my day! Kyle saw me coming down the stairs and shrieked that they should hide. I have to say that being super-quiet, expressionless, and commenting on no part of the chaos is a powerful reaction to such monkey-business. It became REALLY quiet. Kyle had been giggling but with how quiet Mommy was, he either was in awe of my self-control or terrified of the silent volcano.

Instead, I started cleaning up the mess. Makenna was squawking and shrieking. I ignored that too. Kyle then said, "are we still going to go to Megan's?" I was silent and without looking up, I said, "yes, we are. I want you to have fun with her and she's looking forward to it and so is Aunt Theresa. But this makes me really sad. But I said we were going and we are. That's called mercy, Kyle. Mercy is giving someone something they need, even if it's hard to give it."

And the passage I had read just a few hours prior to that flashed through my mind: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." I've always read that as a promise that if I'm merciful, then God will be merciful to me. But I knew that wasn't the entire picture. I'm not always merciful. Yet God shows me constant mercy. He has given me forgiveness, in spite of my lack of forgiveness of others. In that moment, I grasped a little bit better, He showed me his mercy a little bit deeper than I had ever seen it or felt it.

I had mercy on my kids because I delight in seeing them play with friends and knew that their hearts were filled with joy about seeing their cousin Megan today. And I wanted that for them. I knew Kyle needed it. He needs children to play with, different kids all the time. I gave mercy to my kids, gave them something they needed, even when it was hard to give it. It went against my nature to punish their infraction. It was a huge growing point for me because I knew I wasn't giving any kind of punishment really, although they did each lose a ticket off their rewards chart. But they certainly didn't deserve a fun trip to Giddings at that point. But I wanted them to have it.

That's the mercy of Jesus. He has had mercy on us because he so deeply desires to give it. It's completely in his nature to GIVE MERCY. It felt GOOD for me to be merciful to Kyle and Makenna. It felt GOOD to give them this special outing, despite their behavior. In my mercy, God revealed his mercy to me deeper, brought me into a clearer view of what the Kingdom of Heaven looks like. And I was blessed by it, as he promises in Matthew 5. I felt Jesus' heart in that moment, saw with better vision what it feels like to be merciful and why Jesus wants so much to be merciful to us.

It's a morning Kyle won't forget. I won't forget it either. It was a fabulous teaching moment about the mercy of Jesus and the blessedness that comes from showing mercy.

This is a long post so I'll write later about my meek moment last night...

Umbrella Moments

I love seeing my kids show independence. I have never been the mommy who cries because her child doesn't notice when she leaves them at preschool. I've never been one to be upset if they get their own snack--I encourage it even. Every streak of independence for Kyle is a victory for us. Like right now, as I'm having some mommy-time in the peace and quiet of my room, I can hear the little popping sound of his Trouble game. He's playing Trouble alone. When you have a extrovert like Kyle, a child who is energized by interacting with people non-stop, it is beautiful to see them entertaining themselves alone. It's a huge mark of achievement. And I feel silly even commenting on this, but I just heard the sound of him in his bathroom and the toilet flushing. And inside, I'm rejoicing--he went alone.

Kyle will be 5 in March. It is amazing for him to go to the bathroom without announcing it to me. In these moments of big-boyness, I am just in awe. Many kids just do these things naturally. Makenna's acts of independence aren't even always noticed by me because she has always been this way. But I suppose I do notice them more because I also have a child who needs more encouragement and confidence to do things alone or at least without narrating it to the world around him. I can hardly blame him though. I also am an extrovert and love to narrate my life; hence the blog. So he's in good company with me. But I'll be sure not to announce to you all when I need to take a trip to the little girls' room. That might be a little bit TMI.

The pictures are from this morning when we were leaving for Hoppin Hippo, a bouncy place in Hutto. Kyle had his umbrella up and told Makenna she could walk under it with him to stay dry. If you notice, he has his left hand on her right shoulder, making sure she's in step with him to lead her to the car, keeping her dry. Those moments are precious.

There are MANY crazy moments here, wild even...moments that make me want to read more about animals who eat their young so I can have a mom to identify with! I worry too much about how they're treating each other, if everyone's happy, if everyone feels safe. So much pressure is just simply not good for the heart and soul. But Umbrella Moments are good. Just very good. I see then the gentleman emerging from Kyle, the kind of father and husband he could be. And I see Makenna, learning how a boy should treat a girl, with protection and leadership that is meant to keep her safe and comfortable.

I think I'll work on paying closer attention for Umbrella Moments.

A Masterpiece Unfolding

Thomas Crum said, "What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in progress? Imagine that you are a masterpiece unfolding, every second of every day, a work of art taking form with every breath." This quote is in a little book I have called Seize the Moment. Today challenged me to see Kyle as a masterpiece, a work of art in progress.

We had our first dental appointment last summer. Kyle and Makenna both refused to have their teeth x-rayed but they did get an exam and brief brushing on my lap. It was fairly uneventful. We cheered, took pictures, did a happy dance, both leaving with a treat from the treat cart. Today was our second trip to the dentist.

I hadn't talked to Kyle about going until this morning. David and I are careful about what we tell, when we tell, considering how much he might obsess over it, worry, talk, etc. Since we were out on a date last night, we chose not to bring it up to him before we left. Kyle needs extra time for all transitions and it was a lesson learned today that I should've started prepping him yesterday morning.

So this morning when he and I talked about our schedule for the day, the resistance began. And enter the nosedive. I know my child and his resistance to places he doesn't remember, can't see. The fear of the unknown grips him in a way that I understand completely. He fixates on different thoughts and it's hard for him to really listen to my reassurances that he won't be getting a shot, none of it will hurt. Even pulling out photos from last summer didn't seem to help. Even doing our 'hamburger time' before leaving didn't seem to help. (fun game where he lies down on pillows, aka a bun, and I 'smear' condiments on him, and then squish him with the top bun, two other pillows. It helped briefly, but he only got in the car because I carried him, sockless and shoeless.

Makenna was a trooper and enjoyed (or at least was intrigued by) sitting on the 'queen's chair' with her 'royal robe' (xray jacket) on while she had queen's photos taken of her mouth. She loved it. Then she galloped to the tooth-cleaning station because she was promised special magic sunglasses to wear while her queen's teeth were looked at. I thought Kyle was on his way to magic-land too as I heard him in the king's chair getting his xrays done. The xrays never happened, but at least he sat in the chair this time. Last summer I couldn't bribe him into that chair.

I knew he was a wild card today and we would possibly have to just try again. The next step was to get his teeth cleaned, but after trying to talk to him and watching him escalate, I knew we weren't going to have luck today. Fear and anxiety gripped him and once he had it in his head that this was a place he didn't want to be in, there was no getting him off that train. I know Kyle well and know when to stop pushing. And the last thing I want is for the dentist's office to be a place of fear and 'torture.' The practice we go to agrees with that position too. Of course I suppose when he's 16 and still hasn't had his teeth x-rayed or cleaned, we might have to have David and Uncle Clay there to put a wrestling move on him, but I don't know if Georgetown Pediatric Dentistry has a table that could withstand that much weight.

Our dentist is awesome and let Kyle play with a videogame that is projected on the wall of their exam area. It is so cool! It's the size of a wall and Kyle had great fun smacking his hands on the wall to 'squish the frogs.' It was just what his little body needed. The power and force of smashing his hands into the wall, the rough texture, the slapping sound, the glee in seeing the frog stick out its tongue...just what the doctor ordered. We should've used this tactic early in the exam. We might've had Chick-fil-a for lunch today!

So I rescheduled his appointment for next Thursday. We left with no toy for him and no Chick-fil-A trip for lunch. That was the most painful part for me! I now know not to use a reward that if withdrawn is punishment for Makenna and me too!

He reassured Makenna in the car that next time he would get his teeth cleaned and wouldn't waste anyone's time. We'll see. The 7 day countdown has begun. Perhaps they'll let him play with the frogs again and we can use that as his reward system. It was a great distraction and really good for his body. I could tell it relieved much of his stress and he was a new man, telling me he would get his teeth cleaned next time we came.

I paid the receptionist and fought back tears, even though I know my son, have been through this same type of scenario more times than I can count, and know this is what we face in any new situation. I think every parent has a 'phantom child' in their mind, as Dr. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has said, and we just have to let go of that child. Makenna will always plunge ahead into new situations. And she will be in the ER more and has already been there more than Kyle. My spirited guy will hang back, check out the scene, and have to learn to trust the situation before plunging in. But once he's there, he's in! We might just walk out next Thursday with Kyle changing his degree plan from dolphin trainer to pediatric dentist.

Whatever he decides to be, I'll be proud of him. Every day is a day that the Creator paints brushtrokes onto his masterpiece, Kyle Evans. There will be a day that this is just another moment to remember and when he allows the x-rays and teeth cleaning, won't it be just wildly fun to cheer for him?! With Kyle, the challenges are big but the rejoicings are always bigger.

Every Boy Wants to be William Wallace

A great read for a mother of a boy is "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson and "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. And even though I've read both, prior to having a son, nothing prepares you for when your boy starts showing the wear and tear of being a BOY.

I'm not sure when it happens, but somewhere along the way, moms of boys quit worrying and fretting over cuts and scars. I never have been super-hyper about injuries with Kyle (Makenna is another story, but she's a girl, and yes, it somehow is different). I've crossed some kind of threshold with injuries though. Kyle's latest 'wound' is from sliding off Eli's bunkbed ladder today.

I think he had been bleeding inside his shirt for awhile before he told me he had an owie--high pain tolerance perhaps? We think he chose not to use the steps on the bunkbed. Why would he want to use those silly things when sliding down is like shimmying down the side of a castle. But those ladder rungs sure are rough and ragged as the picture shows.

A few months ago, Kyle managed to rip a deep laceration into his jawline on a plastic train depot station. It wasn't even a rough edge but the doctor said he hit it at just the right velocity and angle. And of course he was running. Kyle rarely walks. The cut was so jagged and awkward that our doctor couldn't stitch it. There simply wasn't anything to stitch together. I realized then that it was just the first of many more significant scars to come. We dedided it gives him character and makes him look rugged!

So instead of freaking out about his stomach wound, we proudly took pictures because this is what being a boy is all about--every boy has a William Wallace inside somewhere, right John Eldredge? So mothers of boys, quit babying your boys and let them be rough and tumble and let them explore the world with their entire body. I wrote in Kyle's journal when he was 10 months old that he had pulled a friend's cat's tail and got a surprise when the cat scratched his forehead. Of course he did! He was testing the engineering of the cat's bone structure for pete's sake! First, his case study revealed cats don't like their tails being pulled and two, his hand wasn't strong enough yet to do real damage. Good thing he's allergic to cats--otherwise, there'd be a tail-less cat running around our house by now.

If you have a boy, enjoy how they jump, leap, and tumble. Let them develop those gross motor skills and quit hovering! What will the future of the male species look like in 50 years if we don't let them be boys now? I don't know about the rest of you ladies out there, but I didn't go see Gladiator because there was a princess in it. And I certainly didn't watch Braveheart because of the love story.

Make a Joyful Noise to the LORD all the Earth

If you're a David Crowder Band fan, you probably just put that subject line to a DCB melody. I pulled out a journal I write in every so often for each of my kids. I don't use them nearly as much as I wanted to. They are filled with little phrases/words/expressions/moments that I haven't wanted to forget. When Kyle was born, there were so many sounds that I didn't want to forget, so I tried to write them out so I would always remember them. My first memory that I wrote has already slipped into 'forgotten-land,' so I was thrilled to read it again, and even amazed I had forgotten. And it's definitely something the Lord wants me to remember. It reads, "When Kyle cried his first upon birth, I exclaimed he was making a joyful noise to the LORD so my son might give witness to my unbelieving doctor." Now let me clarify...Dr. Maggie Landwermeyer did not deliver Kyle. We were immeasurably blessed to have her deliver Makenna. And Maggie is a Believer which made her delivery of Makenna amazing, having my friend deliver her. But a different doctor delivered Kyle.

When I reread those words, I did remember saying that, but I didn't remember that being my motivation. I do recall wondering if she heard me, what her thoughts were, if she had any reaction at all towards what I had said. Kyle screamed a lot when he was born. That was music to my ears. The photo is about thirty minutes after he was born and he discovered his fingers. The second picture is from a few weeks ago--he and Makenna in hysterical laughter!

Kyle screamed throughout his entire baptism, which is entirely seperate blog, but we have on video Pastor Knippa commenting in the midst of the screaming that he was making a joyful noise to the LORD. I never made that connection before, that it was reminiscent of Kyle's moment of birth, his first cry.

And it certainly foreshadowed that Kyle would be the kid who everyone could hear before they saw. He came in with a grand entrance, into this physical world, as well as his baptism into the Body of Christ.

If you've spent any amount of time with Kyle, you probably have heard us remind him to use his inside-voice. Kyle has two volume settings--low and high. The low is a whisper, the one he uses in church or when he wants to tell us a 'secret.' the high volume is what is used pretty much most of the time, especially when he's speaking zestfully, which is typically about anything and everything. Kyle speaks about the sky with zest. At 2, he talked about the shape of pretzels with zest, showing me what letter the pretzel looked like. He spoke about the new bow on his first Christmas gift this year with zest, exclaiming, "Look! I got a new bow!"

I suppose his 'noise' is really quite joyful. I have much to learn about his noise, how joyful it is, how much life there is in his expressive nature. He simply lives life out loud, large, as my Mom told me when he was an infant.

What Does God Want Me To Forget...And What Does He Want Me To Remember

For the first time perhaps ever, I am eager about a 'new year.' I am beginning a new year thrilled about possibilities and new beginnings, or perhaps joy-filled and hope-filled continuations of what has already been and what still is. The subject line was in our Pastor's sermon today, based on the scripture in Philippians 3: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I chuckled inside today because I couldn't help but picture myself teaching 3rd-5th graders this verse with hand motions to help them memorize it. Those kids are all seniors in high school now. Paul knew he had to forget some things and knew he had to keep remembering what Jesus was doing and had done, referencing the prize for which God had called him. It was going to be pretty hard for him to forget that incident on the road to Damascus that left him blind for three days and showed him a piece of the prize awaiting him.

So I am committing myself to my blog once again to take take each day to look at what I will be forgetting and what I will be remembering, reflecting on what Jesus has done in my life this last year. I'll actually be looking back at some of life five years ago.

I don't want to give away all the details. So hopefully knowing you might get on my blog every other day will prompt me to write about some things that I simply don't want to forget, remembrances that are beautiful early brushstrokes on the portrait of our family today and what it will be in the future.

I'm terrified to commit myself to blogging every other day. I immediately go to the question, 'when will i find the time?' Admittedly, I don't know. Having both kids out of preschool now, running a part-time party business, and keeping up with the house, along with just 'life,' and looking into writing a children's book this year, I'm scared I could let you down. So just know you might get on and I might just have not written in awhile. I'm nowhere near perfect at holding to my commitments to the letter of the law. But know my heart's desire is to bring you along on a remembrance journey, little snippets of our family life, moments for me to remember and to forget.

So I rest tonight knowing I'll go into this endeavor with courage and peace knowing I can fail and it's okay. Tomorrow's another day to be perfectly imperfect and still unconditionally loved by my Savior.